Jeremy Huddleston

Why is it that I'm always "the friend"? I don't want to be "the friend". I want someone to want more than that from me, but I always end up becoming the friend that they confide in, the friend they come to talk to... and that's good up to the point where I WANT more. I started to like her BECAUSE she seemed interestead in me, but now that I've started to fall for her, I don't know if that's true or if I projected that on her from the beginning... I'm so confused. She's so confusing... Why does this have to hurt so much. Why can't I force myself to just not care? She's giving me completely mixed up signals...

I'm so fortunate to have friends that love and care for me as I love and care for them.

Well it's official, our deadline has been pushed back another 2 weeks to the 'Brick Wall' deadline of October 3. This makes it very difficult for me to take off for a 2 week vacation because I want to be here for my birthday, my mom's birthday, and the release... so maybe I can go on vacation in November... like Nov 12-25... hmm... ok, so it's not as bad as I thought...

Also, I'm reading 'The Power of Myth' for English 1A, and it's really driving me crazy. I'm only 40 pages into it (20 of it was introduction), and I want to retort just about everything I come across. It's really frustrating.

So, according to the official word, we've got 3 more weeks until the end of the project, and after that... well... I dunno what's going to happen to ESC, but I think I'm going to take a while off... maybe go on vacation for 2 weeks... who knows... I'll figure all that out later...

The weekend was insane work-wise. The shots are getting reviewed on Sundays now which means there's a LOT of work to do on Saturday... then the beginning of the week is pretty mellow... I guess that'll work out good since I'll probably have time to work on my English assignments at work on Mondays... not that it's going to be any problem to keep up with the work load in this class...

For some reason, I tend to get depressed after days of fun... Last week, after Sonia's party, I felt a little down, and this morning after such an awesome weekend, I'm filling mildly depressed. Is this something other people experience, or is it some sort of weird neurosis unique to me? It's not a recent development, though... It's been like this for years, but now I'm finally getting fed up with it... I feel sad that I'm not having fun all the time... like I'm missing out on something by focusing on school or work, and I really want to just kick back, enjoy my life, and live loose... and when I do have fun, it reminds me of just how boring the rest of my life is...

This weekend brings to an end (hopefully) a rush of insane hours at work. For the past 2 weeks, I've been working 6a-5p, and I am NOT a morning person. It is nearly impossible for me to wake up in the morning, and I have much less time to potentially spend with friends...

I left Friday evening expecting to have a 9-5 Saturday and Sunday on-call... then the phone rang at 8pm. That's the thing about caller ID on cell phones... sometimes you KNOW who's there and what they're gonna say... They told me a BIG job was coming through, and I had to come in early to monitor it. I ended up working 4a-2p on Saturday, and the job was just about finished when I got there... so I got to spend time working out schedule proposals, send emails that I've been meaning to write, do other bureaucratic business, and finally work on more shake tutorials.

The only person in the office when you arrive is the security guard.
You ponder taking your lunch break when the sun rises.
All the stop lights are flashing yellow on your drive in.
The sun is still up when you leave.

Hmm... I need to think of more...

I think these 75 hour work weeks are getting to me. They're driving me crazy. At work, I'm so confined as to what I'm allowed to do. I sit at a desk in front of two monitors and check frames for errors for 12 hours... sure I'm able to do some side projects that I make for myself in the down time, but it's still within the confines of work. I need to breathe. I need to break free of my boundaries.

Yesterday was great. Lauren, Liat, and I went to the park and played frisbee, talked, and just enjoyed the outdoors... then we picked up Sonia and went to dinner. It was a lot of fun, and I am very happy when I am allowed to relax and enjoy myself... but after a day at work, I am just so built up with tension and stress that I just want to have fun and relax, but I CAN'T. It's impossible to relax with just 11 hours to eat, sleep, eat, AND attempt to fit in some fun time with friends... it just doesn't work.

So I just completed a big chunk of code to help out people rendering here at ESC... basically, it's a cool program to edit maya scene files and send them to the farm without having to actually start up maya... and that's a big help because of all the maya plugins we use making it take forever to start maya. However, the sysadmins are real sticklers here and are making it hard for me to install the software for other people to use, so I have to jump through so many extra hoops... the corporate worls is so annoying in that respect...

I have actually had time to hang out with friends in the evenings...

So I've been working on a perl library at work... basically, I need to parse through maya scene files without opening up maya, make changes, save them, and send them to the farm to be rendered... So far it's up to about 2000 lines of code and it's becoming quite an annoyance... I still need to write the gui front end to it in Perl/TK... that will be interesting seeing as how I've never used TK before... well there's no time like the present....

In other news, the company firewall is now more secure... which basically means I need to find a way to keep a tunnel open through ssh so I can use instant messenger, etc...